Yesterday I woke up realizing that I've decided that I'll stay here in Boston. That's a big commitment because I keep wanting to escape.
For a while, after a friend had moved to New York, I'd fantasized about going back there, even though I know it's nothing like those old sixties and early seventies days. That it's now unaffordable. I can barely afford this life, so it's nuts to think about that one.
So, I made that decision. It was a big one because I just hated Boston when I moved up here just as bussing started. This city seemed to have an appallingly wretched history of racism. I couldn't forgive it for that. Is it better? I suppose it is, nominally. The country is better, nominally. Barak Obama is President. I never thought that would happen in my lifetime.
I'll move somewhere else, somewhere that doesn't require upkeep and shoveling. That's the next decision. What I can afford and where. And then when.
I was extremely happy to wake up knowing this. Usually I wake up with some clear thought of what's gone wrong in the past, very specific and painful images. incidents, as if my mind has had a chance to gather punishing material while I slept. That happened today, but not yesterday. That was to the good.